Defining Moment

I don't have to know you

To know that you will go through hard times

It's just part of life

Don't let that moment blind you

And don't let it define you

Take heart, that's not who you are

I'm in the shower the other day and singing along to MercyMe's latest album when these lyrics hit me. God has once again orchestrated a wonderful intervention in the middle of this beautiful mess we call life.

Do you have a moment in your life where the enemy reigned? Have you suffered a devastating loss that is constantly on your mind? What was it friend? A job, a dream, a loved one, a baby?

My devastating loss came on March 4th 2014. God prepared me for this in every way He could, but how do you prepare for the worst news you've ever received? My brother, Mikee, my one and only sibling, my friend and my confidant had committed suicide. To say this loss was a defining moment would be the understatement of the year. You see, I knew my brother had a drug addiction, but you hear about God healing that all the time. I knew that ever since our mom passed, he was struggling, but we all go through hard things and then God uses them for good. I knew God's promises and I prayed them over my brother consistently. I wrote my brother a text mid February with Romans 8:38-39 in it. He thanked me for sending it because he said it was exactly what he needed to hear that day. I believed that God would save my brother and then him and I could fight the war on addiction together. He knew what it was like to be an addict and we both knew what it was like to be raised by one. 

When I received the call that my brother who'd been missing for over a week had done the most unthinkable act, I was at first heartbroken. I didn't do anything for the first week. I literally just sat and cried heart wrenching tears. Slowly, I grew angry. I was angry with my brother because he took a really important person out of my life. But more than anything, I was mad at God. How could He let this happen? Why didn't He stop him? Didn't I pray all the right things? Why was this part of my story?

Fast forward a year and a half later and I'm still mourning. I still miss Mikee every single day. God has answered a lot of my questions. My brother (along with you and I) have free will. He can choose to make horrible decisions or good ones. I'll never know the ways God tried to stop my brother from taking his life. But, the truth is, whether it was God's original plan or not, my brother, of his own free will, decided to remove himself from not only my life, but from others who loved him dearly, his son, my dad, his best friend, his son's mom and so many others.

I finally made it out last week to see a bench my nephew's mom made for Mikee. The second I saw it, I sobbed. This bench is my brother. Between the font of his name, to the carving of his drawing, to the "I love you dad" from my nephew with tiny handprints. It was beautiful and amazing to see. 

But this song and it's lyrics of not letting my hard time define me were running through my mind. See, the thing is, I've been stuck for a year and a half. I'm not growing, if anything I'm shrinking. I struggle with friendships, with being open. I have even shut down to God. I've been completely consumed with this life-altering moment and God in all His Grace and all His mercy is calling me to step away. He's calling me to the next chapter of my life, my ministry.

No matter what you've done

Grace comes like a flood

There's hope to carry on

He'll finish what He started

No matter what you face

His mercy will not change

He's with you all the way

He'll finish what He started